Managing conflict - what really works?
All of these have been shown to work.
There are two essential points that you should start with and carry right through. Check from time to time that these are still working:
*managing your own emotions, and acknowledging others' without being driven by them.
This is the place to start. Your emotions and those of other people are an aspect of the conflict and you need to be able to regard them as factors that need to be resolved as well as the more objective issues.
* looking for satisfactory outcomes rather than 'wins' This is another basic necessity in all conflicts. Keep remembering "It's not about winning, it's about getting a good outcome," and you'll be able to stay on track.
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Once you have these in place, there is a range of good options to choose from, depending on the people, the situation and your own style and abilities.
*using the conflict to look for better solutions
A genuine conflict may be about something important that needs to be solved. If you can listen to what is being said and explore what is behind the conflict, ignoring the angry words if need be, there may be some very useful ideas that you can act on.
*listening, hearing and showing that you've heard the different parties to the conflict
Sometimes all that people in a conflict really want is to be heard and understood. You can find ways to manage the discussion and to give everyone a hearing without letting them dominate the discussion. There is a technique called "negative enquiry" where you just keep asking "and what else is wrong?" until the person has aired all their complaints or anger. Then they are in the right state of mind to solve the conflict, because they have been fully heard.
* understanding and acknowledging the different positions and needs of the people involved
This is similar to the one above; in this one, you have to show that you understand each person's position. You do this by paraphrasing or reflecting what they have said without making a judgement, and check that you've got it right. "So what you're saying is that....... and that the problem is .... and what you want to be different is .... Have I got that right?" You need to carry on until they agree that you have expressed their point of view. It can be tiring and difficult, but generally has a very good effect.
* mapping the genuine issues and concerns and possible solutions
This is a good technique when something really does need to be done and people don't agree about what needs doing.
It's often useful to use brainstorming or mapping techniques, on large pieces of paper or a whiteboard. When people see their concerns clearly and neutrally laid out visually, they often move away from the conflict into a more problem-solving mood.
* generating and considering different options in the situation
This is more of a decision-making method, and is effective when there is a concrete issue causing the conflict. Again, a brainstorming method can be useful leading to a "decision-tree" where you look at the positives and negatives of each option, and the subsequent outcomes of each positive or negative. The important thing is to look realistically at the short- and long-term outcomes for each option then find a way of deciding between the outcomes rather than the options.
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